We all want what’s best for our children and grandchildren, but it’s not always easy to know the dos and don’ts of being a great grandparent. New parenting styles, endless Googling and information overload, long distances, blended families, past missteps, different traditions, changing times, and routines you just don’t know―it can be a lot to navigate.
But don’t worry, we’ve got your back! We put out a call to the seasoned and young parents alike in our growing community and asked a simple question: what do you wish your kids’ grandparents knew? They delivered honest, anonymous feedback, advice, and encouragement; information that is actually helpful.
Consider this your insider’s guide to strengthening family bonds and making the most out of your time together―whether you’re a grandma extraordinaire or a grandma-to-be.
Let’s dive in!
“The kids have bedtime routines that take time and effort. The advice I would give is to embrace the routine—put in the time to read with them, etc. It helps them stay in a routine, and they’ll always be excited that grandma or grandpa read them to sleep.”
Dad of 2
“Beliefs and values are caught, not taught. Focusing on treating people well, not undermining anyone’s choices or stated beliefs (grandparents or adult children/parents of children) with words, actions, or inaction, choosing not to engage on topics with answers that cannot be known: I think these translate from behaviour first. Allow your adult children’s beliefs and practices to change without treating it as a referendum on your parenting or your self.”
Parent of 3
“We care about their health and want them to feel comfortable sharing.”
Mom of 2
“Personal experience matters but it isn’t the trump card. Just because a grandparent raised their children and *insert good outcome here* doesn’t mean the grandparent is the ultimate parenting expert, or that hewing to those same parameters will guarantee the same outcomes with grandkids. Different lives, different social times, new knowledge, different experiences. Everyone needs to choose not to take offense, as often as possible.”
Mom of 3
“I love how you make visits with our kids so special! Planning activities like baking, going shopping, adventures. It’s such a treat for the kids and they love spending time with you!”
Mom of 2
“The world of food allergies is different and real. Giving even “a little bit” of a food your kids have asked you not to feed their kids is not okay. Also, we love your support and appreciate you!”
Mom of 2
“I wish they would be more spontaneous in offering to spend time with the kids. They usually always say “yes” when asked to watch them, but they aren’t proactive in offering to help so it can sometimes feel like an inconvenience to ask.”
Dad of 2
“That their support is very appreciated—it does require honest conversations about where the best place for that support is: some babysitting, a meal or 2 delivered, taking the kids out to the park or an event, a sleepover. As always, communication with one another is the building block for successful involvement.”
Mom of 3
“Be clear if helping out just doesn’t work for you. That’s okay! That’s something I really appreciate because it means no resentment, and I know you’ll always try to make it work and be eager to help when it does work.”
Mom of 2
“Naps are necessary and don’t just happen anywhere at anytime.”
Mom of 1
“I wish they knew that I want them in my child’s life, but I don’t necessarily want to use the same parenting tactics they did. When you refer to ‘how we did it in the old days’ in comparison to how I would like to do things, it feels condescending. You do have a claim on my child, but not to be another “parent” to my child. Sometimes I want advice, but it’s always nice to ask before soliciting it.”
Mom of 1
“You’re so passionate about enriching my kids’ lives in any way you can—investing in RESPs, paying for special books and classes, etc. That deeper, long-lasting support means so much!”
Mom of 2
“I wish they knew how tricky and different it feels sometimes to be in a step-parent role while visiting their home. I am simultaneously learning how to be a parent, being cognizant of their parenting strategies and preferences, and cautious of not overstepping my own role. That said, I also wish they understood how insanely beautiful and deeply healing it has been for me to feel so accepted and loved by them. But I think they definitely know that one 😉 “
Stepmom of 2
“Little ones don’t know if you miss them, they love and value that you spend time with them! And your grown up child doesn’t need words right now, they need practical support in this season.”
Mom of 1
“We don’t all have money and capacity to travel right now so not coming home for holidays isn’t always personal.”
Mom of 2
“Respecting our boundaries is one of the greatest acts of love you can show. We appreciate your experience, knowledge, and input, and ask that you in turn respect our own decisions for our children. When that trust is established, we are far more comfortable in relying on you to care for and “spoil” our children. “Grandma’s rules” start with respecting mom’s rules. But most importantly don’t forget, we love you!”
Mom of 1
“Please do not assume you can take my child from my arms because you want someone else to hold them … even if it’s another family member. When I say it’s bed time, it’s bed time. I don’t care if they “don’t look tired,” I’m their mom, I know they’re tired.”
Mom of 1
“Try not to compare between adult children’s parenting styles. Different lives, different marriage and partnerships, different kids deserve grace.”
Parent of 3
“The best initial support for a new mother is cooking, cleaning, and laundry … not baby holding. This is the time for the new mama to get familiar with her baby and new role, not the priority for grandparents to bond with the baby. That comes after! New parents need a lot of help during the first sleep regression (3-4 months old). Come to help during this time and you’ll get TONS of baby time! And you can always just check with the parents what they’re comfortable with.”
Mom of 1
“That when we parent differently from them it’s not a dig at their parenting or that we are not appreciative of what they’ve done but that we may see things differently or that our child is their own individual person with different needs.”
Mom of 1
“Quality time spent together creates lasting memories.”
Mom of 2
“Please block adult content on your TVs before you pass our kids the remote. Same goes for your computer. Ask us if you don’t know how to! The number one place kids accidentally access adult content is at their grandparents house.”
Mom of 2
“It’s really obvious when you disagree with something. Thank you for trying not to openly disagree with me, but I can tell when you do. Passive aggressive comments and body language is so telling, and it still makes me feel bad/frustrated/like you disapprove. I get it’s hard not to let it show, but just know that I can still feel that. You aren’t hiding it. Let’s just talk about it and get it out of the way.”
Mom of 2
“I wish my kids’ grandparents knew that all I want is for them to spend time together. Bake cookies, take them to the park, read books, and tell them stories of your lives. Make fun happy memories together. No rules. Be gentle and easygoing with them. The best break you could give me as a mom is for me to have a little time alone, knowing my kids are having a wonderful time with people who love them.”
Mom of 2
“Know that I really do listen. Just because I haven’t followed your advice doesn’t mean I didn’t hear you or that you should say it again in different ways. I have heard you and I will come back to you if I want to discuss more. That said, I don’t mind when you keep telling me things that you feel really passionately about. I just want you to know that I do listen and remember.”
Mom of 2
“Try not to compare between adult children’s parenting styles. Different lives, different marriages and partnerships, different kids deserve grace.”
Parent of 3
“Respecting consent should be encouraged. Declining Grandpa’s hug/wet kiss and having the courage to say it out loud should be met with a high five and I have a hug waiting if you ever want it.”
Mom of 2
“I wish grandparents would allow their grown children to BE the parent and step back to enjoy being a grandparent. Your time to parent the little ones is over. Let the mother and father have their time to shine. For example, Mother’s Day–I understand that a grandmother is a mother too, but it’s not okay to take the light away from a new mother and her first Mother’s Day.”
Mom of 2
“Things are different now and although they did things a certain way, the family we create has their own beliefs and ways they want to do things. It is ok to not agree with our choices but it is NOT ok to go against our wishes behind our back. Ex. MIL was shocked when we didn’t want to do sugar for the first 2 years and mentioned she’d just give our daughter some behind our back … 100% that is not respecting our family and our choices. Having the respect and openness to understand its not the way they would do things is ok. Siblings will be different too … the way we do things might look different from how our sister or SIL does things. There shouldn’t be shame for doing things different.”
Mom of 1
“I wish grandparents were a little bit more aware of boundaries, and a new mother’s needs and desires while she is in her postpartum period. This is such a vulnerable time for a new mother, and obviously speaking from experience, I had my in-laws trample over us with no concern for us and our health–even our babies’ health at the time. They just wanted to “see their grandchild”. I wish that they knew that WHEN they establish a good, healthy relationship with us, the parents, THEN we are more willing to allow our kids around them.“
Mom of 2
“You are better than you think you are with the kids. Relax and trust that you can handle it! Don’t panic when you have them, or if there is someone crying or tantruming—it’s totally normal.”
Mom of 2
“Tantrums and tears and fighting between siblings are super normal and not something to make you stressed (but it is stressful so i totally get it.) It doesn’t mean that I’m doing something wrong, or that you are, or that it needs to be analyzed. Just let it be and keep going. Don’t let it derail you!”
Mom of 2
“The world is not the same place as when you were a parent of a tiny human. Our challenges are not the same. If you would like to be helpful just ask!”
Mom of 1
“Thank you for your support and listening ears!”
Mom of 1
“Respect and just showing up is everything! Especially in the postpartum period. My mother-in-law would come over, bring food, clean, and just do whatever was needed. She was never pushy about wanting to hold the baby (but obviously loved to when she could!) She was so respectful of desires/perspectives/attitudes about parenting. It’s okay to disagree, everyone is human, but thank you for being so mindful of our space and the way we want to parent our kids!”
Mom of 2
“The offers for financial help and little things for me as a mom are so kind. Taking me to a facial or paying for help around the house, encouraging me to get extra support when needed. Thank you!”
Mom of 2
“That they did a great job. I have a wonderful life that I am very grateful for. I have a bed, food, family, friends and so much more.”
Mom of 3
“A few things in mind that absolutely make my blood boil (and a lot of my friends who have kids really don’t appreciate this behaviour either) … talking to me as the parent through the baby, not asking before feeding or holding, moving closer to the new family hoping for more baby time, inviting yourself over, scoffing or eye rolling at things I would like to do for my baby. Things have updated and changed since 40 years ago when they had babies.”
Mom of 2
“Their love, care, and wisdom mean a lot to us. We sometimes hesitate to share, but their advice is valued.”
Mom of 2
“A gentle reminder that I’m the mom and the matriarch of my own family and I can make decisions that are best for my family.”
Mom of 1
“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” (A quote from Thomas Merton) It’s simple and incredibly hard to actually live out. I think grandparents and parents both need to consider this deeply and decide, consciously: do we want our nearest family to reflect us and to reflect well on our outward image, or do we want to spend our time focused outwards, understanding our children for who they are?”
Mom of 3
Our Movement Living take: You’ll never be able to read their minds. Have a question about a routine? Feeling frustrated? Have a compliment that you’ve never shared? Just say it. Have the conversation.
